Things Left Unsaid
by LadyKayoss
Summary: Jane writes a letter Neil, trying to tell him something important. And it isn't what you think...


Dear Neil

Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters.The marvelous Square does.

Things Left Unsaid

Dear Neil

I know it will come as a shock to receive this letter from me, but I can't seem to work up the courage to speak of this with you.Funny, huh?Tough Jane Proudfoot, who always speaks her mind, is too frightened to talk.Every time I've tried, a quick insult springs to my lips rather than the carefully planned words I wanted to say to you.

Do you remember last year's New Year's Eve party, when Ryan and I made it our mission to get you drunk?You probably don't – you didn't even remember your own name by the time it was midnight.But you do recall waking up in a strange room, knowing you'd been with someone, but not knowing who?Remember how you asked around the base and no woman – or man! – would admit to spending the night with you?

It was me.In my efforts to get you drunk, I overdid it on the alcohol as well. I woke up before you, realized what we had done, and hightailed it out of the room as fast as I could.I spent the rest of the day hiding in my quarters in embarrassment, waiting for you to show up and say something idiotic so I could get angry and hit you.I hadn't realized at the time you didn't know.

I thought I could get over it.It was just one little mistake that neither of us really remembered, right?You eventually forgot, and I thought I could, too.

I was wrong.

Remember how, several months later, I took leave from Deep Eyes and the USMFto spend time with my sick mother?She wasn't the one with the problem,I was.When I left, I was almost six months pregnant.

I couldn't believe it, refused to believe it at first.I'd only spent one night with one man since I'd joined Deep Eyes.There had to be another reason I was getting ill in the mornings.

But the doctor confirmed it.I didn't know what to do.There was no way I could tell you, not after how I'd taunted you mercilessly about that night, and how you brushed it aside as if it were nothing.I hated you…Remember how I'd been more cruel than usual?So cruel that the captain had to actually separate us?This was why.I hated you, but I felt something else, as well.Something I refused to acknowledge at the time.

I didn't tell anybody, and would probably have gone on pretending nothing was wrong if the captain hadn't found me retching before a mission.When he asked what was wrong, I poured the whole story out to him.I couldn't stop myself, I'd held it in too long and I trusted the captain more than anyone else.

He was stunned, and I think a little disappointed in me, but he offered the support no one else could give me.He immediately refused to let me go on the mission out of concern for my health, but promised me he wouldn't tell anyone why and that we would discuss the matter when Deep Eyes returned.

The captain respected my wishes that this remain secret, even though it inconvenienced the rest of you.I don't know why, maybe he's a softy at heart.It was because of me that Captain Edwards accepted the month-long tour of duty aboard the Zeus Cannon that we all hated so much.He didn't wantme harmed by Phantoms.I hated being pampered like this – if you can call a month of zero-G pampering – but I had brought it upon myself with my stubborn desire to keep it secret.

It was the captain's idea to use my mother's health as an excuse to leave.There would be less questions that way, and less chances of having my return to the USMF refused.All I had to do was stick with Deep Eyes for as long as I could without giving my secret away, which was surprisingly easy since I wasn't putting on much weight at the time.After all, the less time I stayed away from the war with the Phantoms, the better.

The captain also decided that, in order to minimize any problems my leaving would cause and limit the number of people who knew, I would have to take the matter up with General Hein himself.

Now, my father was a general, and I have seen General Hein's little pep talks before, so I had little fear of facing a superior officer… until I met him personally.

Without the false cheer he uses when rallying his troops, General Hein's face is cold, like an ice sculpture.I had never had his attention focused solely on me before, and his gaze seemed to bore into me, and I shivered.I had faced hundreds of Phantoms and never felt a fear like this before.

The captain, perhaps sensing my discomfort, briefly outlined my condition and my request.The general stared at me all the while, a faintly disapproving look on his face.

When the captain was done, the general rapped his fingers against his chin and continued to look at me silently.I held back the angry words that were my defense against my fear and waited, meeting his gaze with my own unflinching stare.

I thought he was going to tell me to abort the child.Or worse; kick me out of the USMF forever, disgracing myself and my family.

Instead, he gave me permission to go, seeing as how I'd had a previously spotless military record and deserved some time off, as long as I returned as soon as I was able.I saluted, which he didn't return, and left before my quivering knees gave out completely.The captain stayed behind to clear up matters.

I left a week later, going home to my mother and older brother and sister-in-law.They took care of me for the next three months, staying patient even though I wasn't the most pleasant company.If we hadn't been a military family, and my brother hadn't treated me like a soldier instead of a fragile invalid, I would have gone insane.

I thought about you often, wondering what you would say if you saw me like this.Would you have ridden out my mood swings with a bad joke and ever-present smile, or would you have tried to comfort me as a real… friend?Would you have laughed at the weight I put on, or called me beautiful?

Would you have still… liked me?

Our daughter was born in September after sixteen hours of labor.Sixteen hours I spent cursing your name and wishing I had a nice, painless Phantom infection inside me instead.

But the end result was worth it.I named her Theresa May, after that aunt of yours you always talk about.I hope you don't mind.And she's a Proudfoot… for now.I wish you could have seen her.She was so small, so perfect.So innocent.In a world that has lost its innocence, it was a beautiful sight.I suddenly had something really worth fighting for.

I hated leaving her.But after spending a month and a half trying to get back in shape, I had to come back.Duty called.

And I wanted to see you again…

So I left our little girl with my mom and brother.It's not an arrangement I plan to make permanent.I want to go back to her.And I want bring you with me.

But it's so hard to talk about this.I wasn't sure how you'd react, until you mentioned you wanted a little Neil junior some day.I'd had no idea you wanted kids.I almost told you right then, but all that came out was another cut down.I think the captain was disappointed I didn't tell you, but he was too preoccupied with that girl to do more than give me a look.

And that's why I'm writing this to you now.I have a feeling the world is about to change for the better, and when it does, I want you to meet my daughter.Our daughter.

Sincerely,

Jane Proudfoot.

***

Jane stared for a moment at the letter she'd written, her pen hovering over the word "Sincerely."Was that the word she wanted to use?Hesitantly, she crossed it out and wrote "Love" in its stead.

Suddenly, she crumpled the papers in her fist.What was wrong with her? She couldn't tell Neil something so important in a letter!Angrily, she stashed the letter in her desk with several similarly wrinkled pieces of paper saying much the same thing.She couldn't tell Neil now anyway because they were going to the Tucson Wasteland in a few hours and Neil would need all his wits in the Phantom-infested area.

She'd tell him when it was all over, she promised herself.No letters, just a simple heart-to-heart with him when the Phantoms were gone forever.Her soldier's instincts warned her something momentous was going to happen, and she hoped that meant an end to all this fighting.

Satisfied with her decision, Jane left her quarters to get ready for the mission, certain everything would work out in the end.

The end

Author's Notes -Sorry about this.This idea was bothering me at work all day yesterday, so I had to write it down.Then my fellow club members encouraged me to post it.Please, no flames.


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